going steady

i knew things were becoming serious between Sam and i when he gave me a certain special gift: hiking shoes. you see, all serious girlfriends of Hawkins boys are required to "prove themselves" on a major hike with the family. the shoes symbolized something big and important i needed to prepare for. gulp.

my serious girlfriend-worthiness was tested on Mt. Timpanogos in UT. pretty strenuous 15 mile hike to the very top and back down. it was me, Sam, and all three of his older, married brothers. yeah, serious pressure. i like to think i passed with flying colors.

to this day, Sam and i love being outdoors. when we're hiking or camping or just doing anything rugged or outdoorsy, for some reason we feel like we're in our true element and balance of happy couple-hood.

this past weekend we drove about 16 hours round trip to the Grand Canyon, it was a much needed trip. we hadn't been hiking or camping for years, it seems, and we were craving some bonding time together away from work and house. (but not from Beastie, oh my gosh, we missed her.) here's to many more exciting adventures. xo

Grand Canyon, 10/24/09, and wearing the hiking shoes (still solid after all these years!) from Sam.

being Mormon

a friend of mine is participating in an "Encounters and Dialogues" class project where she is supposed to pick a religion she is not familiar with and learn more about it. "i actually have been really curious and amazed," she says about Mormonism. here are her questions with my answers, for any others out there wondering the same things as she.

What does it mean to you to be a Mormon?

Being Mormon means that I am held accountable for my choices, thoughts and actions, which isn't always easy, but I know that if I am faithful and do the best I can in following the teachings of the true gospel of Jesus Christ found in the scriptures (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, Pearl of Great Price) as well as the teachings of a living prophet today, President Thomas S. Monson, Heavenly Father (God) will bless me and I will return to live with Him and Jesus Christ in the highest kingdom of heaven with my family for time and all eternity.

What do you love most about being Mormon?

That we believe in a living, latter-day prophet, and that he is a man called of God to lead us and guide us. We have what's called General Conference twice a year, and he and the twelve apostles and other church leaders speak to members of the LDS church all over the world, it's like a super spiritual and educational conference. I also love that Mormons are given the gift of the Holy Ghost when we are baptized to be our constant spiritual companion that can comfort us and guide us. I also love that wherever we go and we attend church there, it is the same, the same lessons, the same teachings, the same songs, the same agenda, the same spirit, and you have instant friends and support when you need it.

What did you love most about growing up as a Mormon?

Growing up with a core group of girlfriends who were all like me and who all had the same beliefs and goals as me. Growing up Mormon can be hard, though, especially when there's peer pressure to do things like drinking. You always feel different from everyone else, and it's hard not to give in. A lot do, which is life, but the great thing about being Mormon is the plan of forgiveness and the knowledge of Jesus Christ's atonement for when we do make wrong choices. Our church is all about having the freedom to choose what we want to do or how we want to live, but obviously we can't choose what happens or the outcome of those choices. A lot of people think the LDS faith has a lot of rules or restrictions, but really, they are there for our protection. Like seatbelts. But even better, if we do make a wrong choice, there is always the option to repent and be forgiven to start fresh again.

What is the most important thing you would want people outside your faith to understand about you and your religion?

That we're normal! That we're not weird or different or part of a cult. I'd also want them to understand that we are Christians, we believe in God and in His Son, Jesus Christ.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions, and how do you debunk/deal with it?

I think this kind of overlaps with the previous answer. How do I debunk/deal with it? Try to be normal, smart, fun and in general just being a good person. I want people who know me to think, "Hey, I know a Mormon girl, she's pretty cool, I think Mormons are great, I respect them."

What do you value most about the religion?

Having the knowledge and power of eternal families. I know that Sam and I will be married forever, not just until death do we part. Our marriage was sealed by a very sacred covenant we made in the LDS temple, where we got married (there are LDS temples all over the world, we got married in one in Utah). That covenant binds us for eternity. Our whole lives up until our wedding day, we have been preparing ourselves to be worthy to enter the temple to be sealed together as husband and wife. Not all LDS members are allowed inside the temple, so getting married in the temple is very meaningful to us and knowing that our marriage is forever makes everything that much more important and valuable. It makes me so happy knowing that Sam and I will be together forever. And when we have kids, they will automatically be sealed to us, and we will become an eternal family.

What are the most basic values you will find in all sects of LDS?

Family is very important. Mormons are all about traditional family values, a stay-at-home mom who cooks and cleans and nurtures her family, a strong, wise working dad, happy kids. However, that is a very high standard with really defined gender roles and not one that everyone can live up to. Actually, I think that is one of the areas of the most tension in our religion. Faith is a another big value. So are choice and accountabilty. Integrity.

What are some of the movements/how do communities assimilate in these changing times?

Probably the biggest Mormon movement was back in the early 1900's when Mormon pioneers suffered all kinds of hardships as they trekked "West" out to Utah, led by then living prophet Brigham Young. But you're asking about today. I don't really know of any "movements." But each member is part of a "ward family," or their congregation of members within set boundaries. All members within a specified boundary attend church at the same time, so that I guess would count as their "community." For example, Sam and I attend church every Sunday from 9-12pm with the same group of people who live in the nearby surrounding neighborhoods. As a ward/congregation/community, there's always something going on. Lots of activities and youth groups and things going on on Sundays and even during the week, that is how Mormons keep themselves busy aside from work and family.

How are the roles of gender defined?

Gender roles are very defined in Mormonism. Women are taught that being a mother is the highest, most noble thing a woman can be. Women are encouraged to marry, have children and stay home to take care of, raise and nurture them. While women are also encouraged to get an education, it's not really required or expected of them to get careers, motherhood is the top priority. Women are also pretty empowered within the Church, they have leadership roles, there is a Relief Society, the largest group of women in the world, that all LDS women are part of where we plan and organize all kinds of volunteer work, bonding and educational-type of activities, and women are often told how important and special they are to the foundation and building up of the Church. Men are taught to be the leaders of the family, to be the breadwinner, to be wise, kind, strong and faithful husbands and fathers.

What are the stances of some hot button issues in politics? Homosexuality, abortion, etc.?

For some reason, many Mormons seem to be Republicans. I feel they also bleed American in the way of traditional American values like hard work, perseverence, freedom, satisfaction in earning a living, owning a home, etc. The Mormon church does not condone homosexual behavior. However, there are many people on the fence about this one, it's been a really difficult issue in Mormon land ever since Prop 8. Regarding abortion, the Mormon church is pro-life, unless in the case of incest, rape or if the mother's life is in physical danger.

Is there a specific timeline/way of life that must be followed?

I'm not sure what you mean here. Regarding way of life, I think the answer is no, but there are always guidelines. It's very clear in Morminism how you should be living your life. Bascially, it's following what we call a plan of happiness, and that goes back to the first question/answer.

What are some of your personal struggles with the church?

Well, I mentioned above the struggle many have with the traditional family ideals. These days, it's almost necessary for women to work outside the home, even after kids. Sometimes I also feel that Mormons can be close-minded. As a religion that teaches it is the one and only church with the fulness of the true gospel of Jesus Christ on the Earth today, that can often cause people to think everyone else is wrong and they are right. I have tried very hard to stay open-minded and accepting, even though I do have a testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the full and true gospel and is led by God and Jesus Christ.

Whose teachings/which religious leader do you like the most?

There are so many great leaders! I would have to say the prophet before President Monson, President Gordon B. Hinkley. Everyone just loved him and you could just tell he was a man of God. I always thought it would be cool to have been alive when the first prophet in these latter-days was alive, Joseph Smith. He seemed like a great man and leader.

(obviously, these are my own thoughts and opinions, not official messaging from the Mormon church.)

this movie looks fun. to dress up as.

the girls at work and i are dressing up like the Whip It roller derby team for our office Halloween party, SO EXCITED! i'll need to make my outfit a little less revealing, but that won't be hard ... so perfect otherwise. there's about six or seven of us girls on the PR team dressing up, and we even have one guy to be the dude on the far right. can't wait!!! outside of work, Sam and i are going to three other Halloween parties, so even though i was really, really, really, really, really looking forward to dressing up as Bob Marley (i just wanted some wicked dreadlocks, let's be honest) i think i'll just stick to roller derby girl this year, it's so cute. or maybe i could somehow still squeeze in the dreadlocks, we'll see.

more to love

i kind of have a reputation. oh, you know, at work there's always the Organized One, the Funny One, the Seriously So Annoying One ... i am proudly, and just simply, the One Who Eats A Lot And Who Eats Really Weird Things For Breakfast One. i'm a real winner.

for example, when there's leftover cake in the kitchen from so-and-so-i-don't-even-know-who's birthday, who's the first one to grab a paper plate and plastic fork? me. when it's hump day snack day (yeah, my office rocks), who's the one grabbing extras, i mean, a lot of extras, not just one or two things, to stash away for later? me. when it hits 3:30pm on the dot, who's up and about microwaving a frozen chimichanga? me. who has unhealthy snacks laid out all over her desk at all hours of the day for casual munching that i swear is necessary so that my head, my mind, and my brain (hee hee hee) can continue to function properly? me!

however, i need to stop. i feel soft. i feel gross. but i'm not fat, YET. fortunately, i don't think my genes will ever let me get fat fat, but i certainly feel fat. like today. ugh. for too long, i've eaten whatever i've wanted without really thinking about the health benefits and now that i'm approaching the big three zero in a few years, i think it finally might be catching up to me. i hate not being naturally fit, you know, like in high school. i wish i could go back to being 17 years old and just take a moment, like, to stop time and everything, just to appreciate the non-existence of cellulite or anything remotely flabby to worry about. how i took those days for granted. i know people may think i'm "fit," but my body is very misleading, it's really just flub.

the problem here though is that i can never seem to stick to a regular work out. i hate working out. the whole process of getting ready to work out is what i hate the the most, i know, it's so weird. just the thought of having to change out of all my clothes into work out clothes and tie my hair up and put on stinky sneakers just makes me whine and hide under the covers (which Sam really hates when i do that). and i can't bring myself to pay for gym membership. it just seems so ridiculous to pay money to run on a treadmill when you can just run outside for free. or pay money to take a kick-boxing class when i can punch and kick imaginary things in my living room, again, for free.

anyway, i'm debating what to do. i want to be super fit before we have kids so that my stomach will immediately bounce back. right? which actually happens and is for real, right? right??

i was bored

look familiar at all? www.morphthing.com

AH-MAZING

there is a huge blank wall space in our living room that i've been meaning to fill with something AH-MAZING. if you are a music lover or vintage lover, or you just like cool art, check out poster cabaret. i just bought four posters that i will frame and arrange in some sort of super hip, collective way over that blank wall. i love how eye-catching and bright these posters are. and they represent some great bands that Sam and i both love and concerts that we've actually been to. pretty sweet.

artists (from l to r, t to b): tad carpenter, andy vastagh, jazz feldy, kevin tong

change management 101

humor me for two seconds. stand up and see if you can change five physical things about yourself right now, ok go. (oh all right, or just think about it.) what would you do? take your hat off? slip out of your shoes? take off a ring or bracelet?

this happens to be an analogy for most people who go through major life changes. when most people experience change, it's often percieved as losing something, like the way you "lost" the ring on your finger or the shoes on your feet. when we first moved to Chicago from LA, my first thought was that i was losing some best friends which was hugely devastating. another example would be men who seem to think that getting married means losing their freedom, when in actuality, they're gaining so much more as they embark on a wonderful, exciting, and fulfilling adventure (haha).

another thing that happens to people who go through change is that the first thing they will try and do is revert back to the status quo, you know, revert back to what was comfortable for them. picture a new college student living with roommates for the first time who at first is clean and tidy, but once the formalities are over and it's been a few days, pretty soon out of habit he/she starts leaving his/her crap all over the place. when reverting back to the status quo isn't working so well, chaos happens. could be big chaos, or little chaos. stress happens. confusion happens. sometimes even a little denial happens.

i am going through a major change in my life. obviously.

i had no idea this would happen. not the change, but the way i am reacting to the change. i am struggling with why i have not embraced the suburbian way of life, and i am struggling with where i fit in in this totally new environment. it's not just a new environment, either, it's the jacket i have to wear, the role i have to embody, while i'm here. things aren't fitting quite so well, i feel kinda annoyed about it and very uncomfortable. supposedly, the jacket fits fine according to my measurements, but i'm just not used to it. however, one of these days after a lot of wear, they say i will.

because in the change cycle, there is also a stage of exploration when people start accepting the change and embracing the change and finding ways to ENJOY the change.

what i've described here, straight out of change management 101, is a sort of "roadmap" that all people go through; for some people it's simple and really quick, like a walk in the park ... for others it's difficult and can take a while.

i hope i enter the exploration stage soon. i really, really do. thankfully, i have this blog where i can vent and analyze my feelings, and i hope you know this is very cathartic for me and i thank you for reading and commenting. in your opinion, what can i do to hurry the jump out of chaos stage? please be nice.

also, just to clear the air, of course there's nothing wrong with moms staying home and baking bread. that's just not where i am right now. someday, though. hey! i bake cookies and specially-shaped cakes for my husband's birthday. but bread ... i just don't go there. seriously, if you were a caveman in an Apple store, you'd be complaining about not fitting in either, right?

anyway, gold stars for those who adapt quickly, good job, you rock, hooray for you, woot woot (my least favorite phrase in the world, btw). so i'm slow! deal with it. i am.

and i'd like to make a dedication to ...

have you ever heard of the term/acronym, DINK? it stands for Dual Income No Kids. here's more info if you're intersted. it's more of an "industry" buzz word rather than everyday vocabulary, but anyway.

as a DINK couple, as i know many of you are or used to be, sometimes relationships can become strained or get difficult. DINK couples tend to have a hard, driven focus on work and/or career and intentionally put each other on hold, or on pause for a bit, to pursue what is often agreed upon as the greater good or the "big picture." i want to emphasize the "agreed upon" part. as DINK couples, your top priority isn't always necessarily each other, it's financial freedom and stability. and you both know that. for example, working super hard to get that promotion which will in turn create more options financially, or working super hard to get through an MBA or other type of grad/school/doctor program because it's the next step in your goal plan, with the end goal being able to settle down in a dream house in a dream location (ah yes, the oh so controversial American dream).

two people totally on the same page. one team. and a winning team, at that.

while this all sounds so nuts and bolts, worldly and emotionless, i also want to emphasize the major ingredient here is love. don't worry, it's there. however, i think women tend to take this stage in life a little harder than men, because for women, it's so easy to feel neglected or unloved.

(but! this is where girlfriends come in handy. to anyone out there who is a newlywed, don't you ever EVER abandon your girlfriends!! you will always need them!! as great as husbands can be, they are no substitute for good old fashioned girl time, something that EVERY woman needs.)

our two years in Chicago was very much what i've described here. except we weren't DINKs then because i was the breadwinner while Sam went to school full-time. but we are DINKs again now, and phew, finally, which brings me to the point of this post! a favorite song.

this song by The Starting Line came out i think during our second year at Kellogg (in Chicago, sorry, for those who don't know, Kellogg is the MBA program at Northwestern), it's called "Island." have you ever felt like you were an island? after hearing the song, which is very much a love song in its own way, i immediately secretly dedicated it to myself from Sam ... hee hee. yes, of course you can do that. i don't know a single husband out there who would proactively call Karen Sharp at KOST 103.5 to make a song dedication. LOL! anyway, i think this song perfectly captures all those feelings of any time in a couple's life where there is so much love, yet at the same time, so much outside strain that forces couples to prioritize a little differently than desirable, to make a sacrafice, you know? because in the end after the sweat and tears, it will all be worth it.

below, i found a YouTube video of the song and lyrics so you can listen and follow along to the words. whatever, i know, i'm cheesy! (note: there's a few weird pop-ups, not from me, and it kind of ends sharply.) The Starting Line is an alternative rock/emo/underground band that i am totally in love with. maybe this genre of music isn't your thing, no worries. but for those who have ever loved a song that so perfectly captured your feelings and situations, i just wanted to share this with you, so if you wanted to, you could go ahead and dedicate it to yourself from your loved one, too :) enjoy.

got some free time?

my latest article, for those who are interested, ran in this month's OC Life Magazine. it's about Orange County's annual Style Week event held at the Irvine Spectrum. you can read the story here (flip to page 40). i'll continue to post future articles here. this is just a side/freelance thing i do. eventually, i think it will be fun to do more, but right now all i can handle is two magazines.

ELIZA Magazine give-away

for all you give-away fanatics, ELIZA Magazine is where it's at. every day this week there is a new give-away, something fabulous and classy. go to the ELIZA blog and leave a comment about the prize and why you love it/need it/want it. for more chances to win, you can also follow ELIZA on twitter, blog about it and leave a link, become a fan on Facebook, etc.

good luck.

and please subscribe if you haven't already, you know you've been meaning to! you can view the summer issue here, super cute rocker girls Meg & Dia grace the cover. and also fyi, my article about discovering Chicago is currently being featured on the ELIZA homepage, ch-ch-check it out. thx all.

missing demographic

i work.

let me rephrase, i am a professional. i have a career going on, seriously! i've worked in public relations for the past four years, and currently my focus is in the telecom/wireless industry. i also have a background in advertising and business development, and, i'm a published writer freelancing for two magazines on the side. i read the news, i follow the stock market, i can discuss intelligently about a company's recent merger or acquisition, i know all about office politics, i graduated with honors from USC, i used to work in a tall building in the middle of downtown Chicago, i own business suits, i have clients, my work directly contributes to the growth of the company! etc. etc. etc. basically, i'm a smart girl, er, woman.

so that's where i see a problem, i guess. because i look like i'm 17 yrs. old, people don't take me seriously. hm, i feel like we've had this conversation before. anyway, picture this. Sam and i chatting with new people, getting to know each other, introductions, the typical stuff. HOWEVER, i don't get asked about my job. i don't get asked how i feel the recession is impacting my company. i don't get asked where i went to school or how i like my job and what exactly i do there. and why not? is it because they assume i don't work? why would they think that? because i'm a woman? because they assume i have young kids at home? because they think i must just work a part-time job at some temporary place to earn extra cash or something? that i stuff envelopes from home or file papers for an elderly neighbor? is it because they assume what i do isn't as interesting as what my husband, the Bread Winner, does?

this infuriates me. grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

so what gives? do i need a new haircut? a new wardrobe? inject wrinkles into my face? or just speak up?

one thing i really miss about living and working in the city is the people. here in suburbia, people don't really get it. women don't work here. they stay home and bake bread. it's just so frustrating. people in suburbia are not very interesting to me, they're all the same! it's like living in a bubble. some pretty generalizing statements, i know, sorry.

i used to live in UT where it was literally a bubble. a giant Mormon bubble. don't get me wrong, i had a very happy childhood growing up there, but when i entered high school i knew something wasn't quite right, just couldn't put my finger on it. i thought getting out of UT would mean i'd never have to enter that bubble again -- guess i was wrong.

one of these days i know i will have to conform. i'm just hoping that by then, i'll want to jump on the bandwagon and not fight it, kicking and screaming.

i am a lone reed, part ii

i have not read the Twilight books and do not plan to touch them with a ten foot pole anytime soon. (bracing for sharp and mean comments) i don't know why, so don't ask or try to convince me otherwise. i was never into nsync or backstreet boys, either. yeah, i could sing along to the songs when i was 15 and thought they were catchy, but that's the extent. i don't know, when people go crazy obsessed over something, it just doesn't make it cool anymore for me - unless it's me going crazy obsessed over something, then it's cool. to me. which leads me to the next thing.

i've been thinking about quitting the blog thing. recently, bloggers are getting a not-so-cool vibe, unless you're a blogger for a company and it's your job or something. but blogging just for the heck of it, not so awesome. my point is, blogging is such a vain pasttime. "i think i'm cool, so therefore i think my blog's cool." blogging is just making it worse for me. it's also addicting, and who would ever just delete their blog, even if they said they've stopped? it will always be there, FOREVER, taunting you to come back. because you know, nothing can ever be truly deleted with technology these days. again, this is just me. i'm the weird one.

another confession - ok, back to books - i have not read any Harry Potter either. i'm sorry, but everytime i see a 6-inch thick, 10 lb. book, my first thought is not, "i must read/devour that book in 2 hours." i've seen a few of the movies, and they were not enough to interest me to start reading.

i am a lone reed, part ii.

i am a lone reed, part i

something i've always wanted for a long time is a scary movie buddy. oh, i crave it sometimes. but, why? where did this come from? because most people i speak with don't seem to even like scary movies, no, not even a little bit. in fact, most people really hate them. and this makes it really hard for me, because it's not like you can enjoy a scary movie all by yourself.

i've always enjoyed the occasional scare. maybe it's because i like to scream and squeal? maybe it's because i secretly believe in ghosts and aliens, monsters and talking animals? maybe it's because i'm so terribly ticklish that if i even see fingers coming toward me i start hyperventilating? (yes, i'm very, very scared about being tickled.) maaaybe it's because scary movies are so opposite chick flicks, and since i watch way too many of those, i desperately need the balance?

retention effort

my laugh of the day today: check out the latest comment by "anonymous" under meow, my name is what? linking to a blog of this -- can i say LAME -- couple that made me want to puke from all the bloggy mushiness happening there who just posted about naming thier dog Tatum. yeah. no way!!!! i hate them!!! and like third or so picture down, did they drop their dog in watermelon kool-aid or something?

so not much new here to rant or rave about. things are same old. my life has zero drama. i'll try and think of something to write about soon.

how to build a retaining wall

because we are now the experts. this is what Sam and i worked on for seven hours on July 4th. real festive, yeah? also, just because i'm not in any of the pics doesn't mean i didn't help. because i did. i also potted plants, you can kind of notice the awesome brown and tan pot i picked up at a yard sale earlier that morning for about a buck.

step 1: dig dirt about 4-6 inches deep and a few to several inches wider than the depth of your bricks
step 2: pour in leveling sand, flatten real good with a tamper (heavy square thing you can find in the shovel section)
step 3: hammer in wooden stakes the same depth as your bricks where you want the wall to be, add string so you can better visualize (was this really necessary? not really)
step 3: use a leveler on top of the sand to ensure your wall does not turn out slanted
step 4: start laying down bricks, make sure they're level!
step 5: use "liquid nails" (this is the fun part) and practically glue gun on your second layer of bricks, then third layer, etc.
step 6: add gardening fabric behind your wall to separate the bricks from the dirt (to keep out the weeds), fill in space with some of the dirt you previously dug out
step 7: wah la, you have a wall ... now pat yourself on the back.


now we need to get some top soil to throw on top and start planting shrubs and flowers and stuff. i'd recommend going to Lowe's for all your retaining wall needs, they have a great selection of bricks, a really detailed brochure with step-by-step instructions including a full list of tools and supplies, and pretty friendly service.