lately i've been feeling incredibly guilty.
i know pregnancy is supposed to be this magical time, what with a new life growing inside of me and all, it's a miracle, right? but for me, it is anything but magical.
why, why, WHY are women always saying they love being pregnant? are they really telling the truth? i used to believe them, even though still a little skeptical, but if they said so, then great! i'm ready for this 9 month adventure. but now that i'm pregnant, 6 1/2 months in, i strongly wonder if i've been lied to this whole time. yes, i bet they're lying. maybe they're saying they love being pregnant to convince themselves that getting puffy and fat is awesome? that aches and pains in questionable areas is invigorating. that having more gas than your husband is something to brag about. and that swollen feet are comfortable. let's say they are telling the truth, that all these physical things don't matter because it'll all be worth it because it's your baby! then what the heck is wrong with me? why am i just not feeling it?
don't get me wrong, i love my baby already. but i just want her outta me. i've become obsessed with preemie babies lately because while they are almost fully-baked, they are still perfect in their own little ways, teeny tiny humans, proportionate, and most have a great chance of surviving. i keep thinking that if my baby was born now, she would very likely live and be just fine and dandy with modern medical help. and then, i start wishing i'd go into premature labor.
did i just say that? for those of you who are sensitive, pretend i didn't say that.
and why do people say pregnant women are the most beautiful creatures? that a pregnant belly is beautiful? i think it's awkward looking. borderline grotesque and unnatural. which is why i hate professional belly photos, oh please, cover that belly up! i don't want to see it. i think my belly is cute sometimes, but the bigger and bigger it gets, the more alien it gets. do i have one of those distorted circus mirrors? wait, no, it's just me.
what also makes me feel guilty is that several of my friends are suffering from infertility and here i am, pregnant and hating it. again, don't think i don't want to be a mom or that i don't want or love the baby. i just wish pregnancy wasn't a part of baby-making. i know, stupid, stupid thing to say, Tatum! it's like saying you want a diploma without going to college, impossible! get over it already! but i can't. anyway, i know there are women who would do anything to trade places with me, and that's what kills me the most. it makes me feel so ungrateful. that i'm not cherishing this blessing like i should be. then i feel guilty. so, so guilty. sometimes i'll start crying over some little thing because i feel so guilty. and so confused. why can't i love being pregnant?
and i've had a relatively easy pregnancy. i didn't get morning sickness, although i had an extreme flare-up of eczema, which, thanks to modern medicine is under control. but other than that, pretty blissful. i should be over the moon happy!
when i lived in Chicago, i was given a book that was a compilation of thoughts and stories from "real moms" in the "real world" as a welcome present. i finally decided to pick it up now that i'm going to be a mom. one of the stories really stood out to me, it's called, "The Reluctant Mother."
the woman in "The Reluctant Mother" sounds a lot like me. she's not enjoying pregnancy, feels like a "bellicose buffalo," and as she's being wheeled into labor & delivery, she's thinking, "my last moment of freedom." but -- and this is the best part -- when her baby's placed in her arms (a baby daughter, just like i'm having!), here's what she writes. and this gives me so much hope that i'll be able to at least endure to the end if not enjoy this pregnancy:
A nurse laid her on my right arm. I looked down at her, and she rolled her eyes to look up at me! Suddenly, within a breath, I was a fanged tigress, willing to tear apart anything that might threaten this tiny creature. I knew I could be a hissing snake, a raging grizzly, a berserk eagle, if necessary, to defend my offspring.
"I'll be darned," I whispered. "Is this motherhood?"It was. Part of it. I soon discovered endless other aspects. Gentleness, tenderness, pure love, joy. It was as if a locked box inside of me had sprung open, spilling out magical jewels I didn't know I possessed.
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8 comments:
Tatum...you are so real and so cute. First, I have to tell you that when we saw you, Christian said you were too skinny to be pregnant.
Here are my thoughts: -some ladies do look better prego. My mom, for instance, was always looking her best prego.
-i don't love pregnancy. heaven knows most ladies HATE what it permanently does to our bodies...but some are relatively okay with the whole 10 month thing. I have a crazy time getting prego...but once I am, it is really not so bad...considering I am growing a FREAKIN human inside of me.
- there is a lot of shock factor involved in your 1st baby...a lot of changes in your life/lifestyle. so it is expected and normal to be hesitant and excited all in one.
YOU and Sam are going to rock this parenthood thing. I am excited to see your beautiful daughter!!....and ELLA is my fav E girly name...
Who loves being prego? It's horrible! Pregnancy & finances are the only reasons I don't really want more kids. Four months of being so sick I can barely move & then being so huge I don't know if my shoes match. Not that great. If you think your belly is huge & disgusting what must you have thought of mine?!?! You're TINY! I had a really hard time adjusting when Kaleb was born too. I remember when they laid him on my tummy & I didn't even care....I just wanted a drink of water. I felt so guilty for feeling that way! I think part of this motherhood thing is to accept the way you feel & realize it's all normal. Enjoy hating certain parts & keep it all in perspective. When you're prego it feels like forever, but it really doesn't last that long. Good luck with everything!
Tates, you don't need to feel guilty for not enjoying your pregnancy. You are very normal! It does a number on your body! I hate to say it but I am one that loves being pregnant. And I'm really telling the truth. :) Pregnancy does good things for me, like clear skin and big boobs. And I still think it's pretty alien like but I'm also fascinated that I'm carrying our little baby. It's fun when I can feel them move. Sorry, I'm cheesy! Love you and good luck with the rest of the pregnancy. Enjoy the peacefulness before baby comes!!
Tatum! I love how real you are about your feelings. I loved being prego, but I didn't love the aches, pains and nausea (and daily puking) that came with it for me. Maybe it's b/c I wasn't skinny like you to start with, so it gave me a reason to be fat! haha..
Don't feel bad about the way you feel, not everyone has the same feelings. I bet you look adorable!
btw.. I still think that it's totally alien like to have a baby grow inside you! lol
You make me laugh Tatum, I love how honest you are! I think being pregnant is so weird, but I loved it, I took so many pictures of my belly. Now that she's here, I look back and go 'echh' I really don't like those pictures and how I looked, but I'm glad I was happily oblivious. Anyways, we all think you look adorable, in the meantime, go to lots of movies and sleep in lots. You can still do it when you have a kid, but it's not exactly the same.
Tatum! I am so with you right now. I wish we lived closer so we could complain to each other about our aches and pains. I hated being pregnant the first time and it's even worse this time around because I have a 2-year-old to keep up with. But as the mother in the book you quoted described, the amazing love that washes over you when that baby is born will trump every bit of suffering you went through.
I still don't understand why so many women gush about how much they love being pregnant. My mom was one of them. She always talked about this "special feeling" she had while pregnant. I keep waiting for that feeling and well, I just feel fat and can't move and can't sleep. Anyway, I guess it is different for everyone. I knew a woman who had 12 kids because she had better health when she was pregnant that when not. Sheesh. I wish the stork really did exist.
Oh I love to hear you writing this! So glad that you are feeling these normal things. Remember when you asked me on the beach..."What was your favorite part of being pregnant?" It took me awhile to answer because I didn't want to say I hated it. That would sound cruel, and really I did think it was pretty amazing that your body can adjust and change as it does but it wasn't a piece of cake by any means. I may have felt better if I could have had some clothes that fit me but instead I just went with what was available and felt like a slob for 10 months...oh wait, 2 years because my body never recovered. It is all worth it in the end and you body will go back to normal and you'll have a beautiful little miracle crawling around (before you know it) getting into everything! Darren loves it when I'm pregnant because I want to eat fatty fast food for the first 3 months. I do have morning sickness and it stinks! Not to mention the gas...it is disgusting! I believe these women are lying but if they told you what pregnancy was really like nobody would ever do it!
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